Rants and raves

Halal in Europe

So, we’re in TGI Fridays in Bergen, Norway. Me, (a hijabi) and a friend are sitting at a table.
Friend: I was told that all the chicken sold in restaurants here in Bergen is halal.
Me: Really? I’ll ask the waiter.
Waiter: My name is Carlos and I will be your waiter tonight.
Me: Is the chicken here halal?
Waiter is so confused.
Waiter: Let me ask my manager.
He walks off but then comes back.
Waiter: Is this to do with the way the chicken lived its life?
Me: Nah, it’s to do with the way the chicken died (gesturing a knife to the neck)!

Film Festival

So, I was given the task to advertise for an independent film festival by handing out brochures and postcards.
I went into my local Afghani shop.
Me: Salaam Alaykum. I am advertising for this independent Indian film festival and was wondering. As a lot of Asian people come into your shop, and they are our target audience, could I leave some brochures here please, brother?
Shopkeeper: Sister, film is haram in Islam sister. What will Allah say?
Me: Allah will be proud of these films.
I stormed out.

Kara

So me, (a hijabi) is in Southall preparing for my first ever Norwegian Pakistani wedding and pass by a stall selling karas.
Me: Can I buy a kara please?
Man: Kara?
Me: Yes.
Man looks very confused as to why a Muslim girl wants to buy kara.

Seduction

I’m at Moorgate underground station making the change from Hammersmith & City line to the Northern Line, when I hear: Salaam Alyakum, Sister
Me: Walikum salaam.
Sister: I just wanted to tell you that I can see a little bit of your neck.
Me: Oh (!) Jazakallah for telling me.

Kiss, kiss…..salaam alaykum
Me, (a hijabi) and two other European friends were at a barbecue for new PhD students. I saw my Pakistani male friend who I hadn’t seen for ages.
Male friend goes over to European friend number one and says ‘Hello’ and gives two kisses, muah muah. He then goes to second European friend and says ‘Hello’ and again muah muah. He comes to me, lowers his gaze and says Salaam Alaykum.